Time to share my story

So ‘they’ say writing things down helps so here we go……….

When I imagined my future it always had some main ingredients: a nice home, a handsome and loving husband, a fantastic job where I wore pinstriped suits and had a fabulous bag and a baby. 

So fast forward to now and on my life checklist I’m doing pretty well. I have a lovely home, a wonderful husband (most of the time) and a pretty decent job (I’m working on it) and I even have the suit and bag! 

That leaves one thing and really the only thing I’ve ever really aimed for in my life. To be a mum. 

For years I’ve had this ache for a baby, I used to think it was strange when people said that but now I get it. It’s like something inside telling you it’s what you were born to do. Like an animal instinct. So now I’m faced with the very real possibility I will never be a mum and the feeling of despair is consuming me. 

We had it all planned, come back from honeymoon, start trying for a baby, be pregnant within 6 months and live happily ever after. No one tells you the reality is soul destroying, cruel and lonely. 

We have now been trying over 14 months without so much as a sign it will happen for us. I wish someone had warned me it would be this hard. I am now in the middle of blood and cervical tests and scans to see if they can find out what is wrong with me. 

Tomorrow is my ultrasound, I always thought the first time would be to see my baby. Not finding out why it’s not happening for us. I thought I’d be more nervous but these days I have a limited range of emotions. 

Sad, stressed, exhausted or the chosen one today. Miserable and indifferent.

Over the coming weeks/months I am going to document my experience of possible infertility in the hope there are others out there that are feeling alone and by doing so help us both.