A miracle has happened……

Miracles do happen, this cycle I felt more positive. I had the help I needed from the consultant and doctors and was finally on the medication that could help me. 

And it did, that change of attitude and getting the right help worked. As of today I am 6 weeks pregnant!!!!!

I am scared, excited, relieved and thankful. This experience has been the hardest of my life and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. 

Now I’m going to keep everything crossed that all is well and enjoy every minute as I know how lucky I am to get this experience. 

I just want  I say to anyone trying out there that the most important thing to remember is you’re not alone and there are people that can help. 

Lots of luck and best wishes to you all

xx  

The side effect is insomnia ……..

So Christmas has been and gone, another year is upon us. 

And what will 2016 bring????

The end of the year saw the news I was to start taking medication to ovulate. So I have been taking my pills twice a day as prescribed and hoping for my 2016 miracle. 

So far all they have done is make me an insomniac!! I can no longer sleep at night and spend hours lying in bed thinking. Which is what I was doing when I decided to blog. 

Despite the lack of sleep I have been determined to stay upbeat and optimistic that the medicine will work. Today however I started my period, so I am not doing quite so well. I know it’s way too early to tell if the medication is working but that never stops the hope. Even if it is not logical!!!!

So I will continue to take the pills and continue to try and sleep and continue to try and stay positive. Because there is no other option………

I wish you all a happy new year and hope 2016 brings you everything you wish for. 

It’s nearly Christmas, my favourite time of the year…….

I love Christmas, I look forward to it all year and usually can’t wait for the 25th December. 

This year I am dreading it……..

We go for our appointment at the fertility clinic on the 23rd, just a week from now. We will finally find out why we are unable to conceive. I have been prodded with needles and scanned. My husband has done three samples for testing and the results will finally be in. 

In one way I can’t wait as we may finally get some answers but I’m also so scared of what they might say. 

Last Christmas I thought I’d be pregnant, this Christmas I thought I’d definitely be pregnant, but still nothing. I imagined my house filled with baby things and everyone coming to to celebrate babies first Christmas, our first as a family. Instead we will be finding out if we can have a family of our own. 

I feel empty inside at a time when I usually feel such joy and thankfulness for the things I have in my life. Now I feel incomplete and angry. I’m so angry that this is happening to us. But I also feel guilty and silly for feeling this way. I would love to be the person I was a year ago, I was happy, hopeful and enjoying life. I miss that person and so do my friends and family. 

I will hope for good news next week and a plan. 

Merry Christmas! It is the time of year to truly appreciate all the fantastic people in our lives.  

 

It’s not fair!

I am a very determined person. If I decide on something I won’t stop until I get it. I think that’s why I’m finding this so hard. This is completely out of my control and I am helpless. 

My best friends had a little boy a couple of weeks ago and all I can think is that I’m dreading having to see them. The thought of seeing their perfect little family makes me want to run in the other direction screaming ‘it’s not fair ‘. 

I am so lucky to have all the things I have. A loving husband, loyal friends, supportive family, great job, beautiful home and we don’t really have money problems. 

Then why do I feel empty inside?
I feel guilty that I’m not happy, that I’ve got this fantastic life but it’s not enough for me. And because I can’t have what I want I’m filling our lives up with stuff. Trips away, shows, sports events, holidays and anything else I can think of to distract me from how I really feel. 

I have a new challenge, to lose some weight. At least concentrating on that has good health benefits!

Wish me luck!!

The verdict is…….

I need to be referred to a fertility consultant. 

Even though I knew what the doctor was going to say today I wasn’t prepared for how it made me feel. Useless and hopeless. 

The positive attitude I had just 24hrs ago has gone and I’m left with a feeling of emptiness. I know that there is still a chance and we just have to keep trying. I also know that this may only be the beginning of a really tough journey. 

Another month rolls on

It’s been a couple of weeks since my last post. I’ve been in my hopeful period that anyone trying to conceive will know well. 

The two weeks where you can day dream that this month will be different. Every twinge and feeling is twisted into a sign that things are about to change. Even if deep down you know that feeling means this month is the same as all the others. Another disappointment, another bad month. 

Each month I have been feeling like it’s taking another piece of me. But this month im determined not to let it bring me down.

Tomorrow I have another appointment with the doctor to go through my latest fertility tests. I’m not expecting any new information and I’m sure the advice will be to keep trying. 

I am still hopeful that one month we will get our happy ending, you never know maybe it will be next month. 

Let the next cycle begin!

What a difference a day makes

Yesterday was a blue day, it was lonely, scary and miserable. There have been too many blue days recently. 

Today I had my ultrasound……… and it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be. I found it fascinating to see and the woman took the time to explain everything to me. It was reassuring and made me feel so much better about the situation. 

So the good news is my womb looks fine and my tubes aren’t blocked. Bad news is I do have polycystic ovaries as suspected so more blood tests for me. 

I have a feeling of relief, and for the first time in a while some hope. I think the uncertainty is one of the hardest parts and at least now we can move forward. We are still waiting for my husband to be tested again as the first test was inconclusive. The eight week wait until they will run it again will be long and hard (a bit like the ultrasound wand today!) but at least we are finally getting answers. 

Time to share my story

So ‘they’ say writing things down helps so here we go……….

When I imagined my future it always had some main ingredients: a nice home, a handsome and loving husband, a fantastic job where I wore pinstriped suits and had a fabulous bag and a baby. 

So fast forward to now and on my life checklist I’m doing pretty well. I have a lovely home, a wonderful husband (most of the time) and a pretty decent job (I’m working on it) and I even have the suit and bag! 

That leaves one thing and really the only thing I’ve ever really aimed for in my life. To be a mum. 

For years I’ve had this ache for a baby, I used to think it was strange when people said that but now I get it. It’s like something inside telling you it’s what you were born to do. Like an animal instinct. So now I’m faced with the very real possibility I will never be a mum and the feeling of despair is consuming me. 

We had it all planned, come back from honeymoon, start trying for a baby, be pregnant within 6 months and live happily ever after. No one tells you the reality is soul destroying, cruel and lonely. 

We have now been trying over 14 months without so much as a sign it will happen for us. I wish someone had warned me it would be this hard. I am now in the middle of blood and cervical tests and scans to see if they can find out what is wrong with me. 

Tomorrow is my ultrasound, I always thought the first time would be to see my baby. Not finding out why it’s not happening for us. I thought I’d be more nervous but these days I have a limited range of emotions. 

Sad, stressed, exhausted or the chosen one today. Miserable and indifferent.

Over the coming weeks/months I am going to document my experience of possible infertility in the hope there are others out there that are feeling alone and by doing so help us both.